Something Greater || Perspective
Every year I enjoy looking back on all of the things that I have been through and that have helped continue to shape me into the person that I believe I am called to be. I think of all the happy moments, the times I have struggled or have been tested, and I think about where that has moved me to get to where I currently am today.
I am known to be a very sentimental person and I have always enjoyed doing this. It’s actually something I look forward to. But as I look back throughout 2018, I cannot help but think of how ironic the whole year was.
At the beginning of this year I truly felt this calling within my heart. I felt that there was just this urge within me to love. Whether it was platonically or with a significant other, I really believed that the 2018 year was going to be surrounded around this idea of loving. This call towards the Mission of Love. But of course, especially within my life, 2018 was not a year to be called to love, but to find that love in all aspects of my life.
For the call was not necessarily to love others, but to truly and fully love myself. And ironically, this was one of THE hardest times I have ever had sharing and giving my love away. For what I thought was going to be a year full of spreading love to others turned out to be one of the hardest years for my heart to love at all.
Oh, 2018. My heart, my faith, my mind… I do not think have ever been tested more. Wounds were opened, my foundation was shaken, and for the first time in a long time… I felt extremely lost and angry. I had to deal with exes finding new love, losing friends and family, figuring out my calling, and finding inspiration and motivation to continue forward. A lot of the things that I loved and relied on, I abandoned out of fear, anger, and sorrow.
I was afraid. I felt misguided. And my heart hurt immensely. I have never felt greater pain. And because of this, what I thought would be love growing within my heart was just more and more anger.
I went through it. And sometimes, it just has to be like that. Not only for myself, but to many of those dear to me experienced a similar kind of pain. And looking back now, I finally see why. God was not only leading all of us and making us new, but He was pushing us. Pushing us to something greater.
2018 was rough. Plain and simple. It was hard to see the light. But perhaps it is in our darkest moments when God is seeking us the most. Going through it all and looking back I am happy to say that I regret nothing. I am thankful for the tears, the pain, the anger, the headaches. I am thankful for all of it. Because I can sit here, think about it, and tell you all…
I got through it. I made it out. And now I am onto something greater.
I am ending this year filled with an immense amount of joy, love, strength, and for the first time ever… confidence. I am confident in myself, in the life that I am living, the path that I am headed towards, and all of those that I surround myself with. I am finally moving on and moving forward with my head held high and my eyes set on my only goal - heaven.
I do not know what lies ahead and it scares the shit out of me. But I know that in this time of preparation and excitement for the new year that I am ready for whatever life tries to throw at me. So bring it on. Give me pain, give me struggles. I know I can handle it.
For this year… I am heading towards Something Greater.
Happy Holidays and all my love goes out to you.