Square One || Perspective

It’s funny how things come full circle.

Friendships, relationships, lessons, stages of life. Everything seems to come right back around and more often than not it seems like we are headed right back to square one. Moment after moment we are humbled and brought right back to the beginning. Or well, a beginning at the very least.

Right now I am at a really weird stage of life. I know I am not completely starting over, but I also know that where I go from here is something completely different from anywhere that I have been and what I am currently facing is unlike anything that I have struggled with or felt before. And that is by far, both one of the most exciting, yet most terrifying feelings I have ever felt in my two decades on this Earth. To be honest with you, if you were to even ask me where I was at and how I felt about anything that I have currently been facing I would not have the same perspective as I do right now as I write to you for the first time in what feels like forever.

I have been struggling. And even that sentence makes me feel like those words are such an understatement. To me, struggling is not a good enough word to describe how I have been feeling lately. I want to be more dramatic and use words like “facing extreme turmoil” or something even worse than that. But for lack of better words, yes, I have been struggling.

I wish I could say that these struggles came from extremely difficult hardships or illnesses or things that I believe matter on a much more important scale, but no, it really is just life. I have been struggling with life. Or to be more precise, I have been struggling not so much with life, but with living. What a funny statement. I am struggling with living. And to add to that, it does not even get much deeper. Because if I really break it down and think about the things that I have been battling, it goes all the way back to the fundamentals. The fundamentals of living.

I have been on hiatus. And I wish I could tell you that in this time I have been trying to find inspiration to write or working on myself as a writer or artist. I wish I could tell you that I have been creating something great or trying to come up with new and better content. I wish I could tell you that I have been finding answers, but the truth is… I have not been.

To be honest, the more and more I keep going and searching the more I realize I have no idea what I am looking for and that in itself has strayed me away from saying or writing anything at all. But if one thing is for sure…

I have come a long way since the girl that first started this blog.

From the beginning if there is one common theme that one could get out of all of my ‘perspectives’ is that I have been trying to figure things out and find answers to all of the complexities in life. I would write things out, sit with my thoughts, and really reflect and try to find out what God has been trying to teach me and show me through these various different aspects and trials of my life. From love to friendship to moving forward, I have been trying to seek this deeper understanding of why I go through the things that I go through and why I am the way that I am. But something that someone said to me has led me here. Mumbling in front of a blank document trying to come up with the words.

For he said,

“you are at your best when you are honest with yourself about where you really are.”

And you would think that would be easy right? Sitting down with yourself and thinking about where you are at in life and trying to seek the truth in all of the things that make no sense. But the truth is, all my life I have been looking for answers. Trying to seek the truth, but the real truth of the matter is…

We will never know all the answers. We can try, but let me tell you right now. You. Will. Fail.

And for a good amount of my life, I was so unsatisfied by that. But in reality, that is perfectly okay. It is safe to say that I did not agree with this statement I just said until two days ago. Where I caught myself empty and alone, sitting inside of a church crying and asking God a question that I feel like we all wonder at least once in our lifetime…

“Why?”

“Why am I going through this? Why am I in this situation… again? Why am I not enough? Or why do I feel this way? Why can I not trust you? Why can I not trust anyone? Why?”

“Tell me why.”

So let’s talk about something. Trust. What a concept. Defined as “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” That’s trust. Simple as that. It is in essence, putting complete belief in anything. Yet for me, it is by far THE hardest thing you could ever ask me to do. And that goes for anyone, including God. Which is crazy. And up until two days ago I never understood why. Why is it so hard for me to trust? Or more so… Why is it so easy for me to love, yet so hard for me to believe that I can trust someone enough to give me that love back? And after all of these years of asking why, I finally got my answer.

At a very young age I showed a lot of signs of independence. My parents always told me that there was this sense of strength that I had. They knew that I never needed to be coddled, guided, or walked through anything. They never had to worry about me because they knew that I could handle it and make it through all on my own.

And as I continued to grow up and do my own thing I began to realize how much this was true. I have never been afraid to be by myself. Whether it was reserving a table for one, going on a walk alone, or moving all the way across the country… I was never afraid to be alone. I was independent. I never felt like I needed to rely on anyone nor did I ever want to.

But now as I get older and I am about to start yet another chapter of my life, I cannot help but realize how sometimes I am not as strong or as bold as the little girl that I once was. I cannot help but realize that sometimes things change and how sometimes everyone needs someone to rely on.

And I think that in realizing this, I realized how fearful I am of being truly independent. I remember walking in and sitting down in my ENG 123 class freshman year of college and having my teacher ask us what our biggest fears are. All of the responses were generally the same. Some said they were afraid of not being successful, some were afraid of being a disappointment, some were afraid of being forever alone or not finding love… They all could relate to one another. But as I sat there and listened to everyone pour out their deepest fears, I could not help but realize that my biggest fear was not being afraid that I would never find someone, but rather, that I will never want to.

The thing about being independent is that it is so much easier to live life on your own. I hate reaching out and asking for help, especially when I know I need it. I never want my heart to burden someone else. For me, it is never that important. But in doing this, over and over again I realized that I kept sacrificing parts of myself and parts of my soul in order to make sure that I never relied on others to make me happy. And in all of that, I was living out my deepest fear. The fear of being “too” and “truly” independent.

For a long time, I could not break down that barrier and truly trust someone. Truly have someone see every part of me and every part of my heart. And while I can give you a list of reasons why that is, I know now that in doing all of that, I blocked myself from something so beautiful and something that is such a fundamental of life. So the answer to the deep question of “why?” is not trust. It is not independence. It is not even love. But…

It is hope.

For hope is complete dependency and belief of someone or something. It is not a matter of exchange or guarantee of receiving something in return, but it is the pure belief that someone or something will do and treat you right and choose to love regardless of the benefits or repercussions that come along with whatever the situation may be. Hope is the answer. And you can only have hope, if you have the courage to have it.

Having hope means being completely dependent. Something I have never ever done in my whole life. But now, is something I want so incredibly much. I hold a big talk on being courageous and taking risks and that is probably because of just the kind of person that God made me out to be. Like I said, I would much rather know “why” than “what if” or wondering “what could have been.” But in all this big talk about taking risks, I failed to take the biggest one of all. I failed to have hope.

So where do I go from here? Well, I wish I could tell you. Because honestly I have no idea. I have been struggling with living. And while I wish I could say this revelation was the answer and fixed all things, I cannot. But I do know that it is one step towards the next right thing. And all I can do now is work towards becoming the woman of God that I am called to be, to keep chasing my something greater, and most of all… have hope.

Happy Holidays. All my love goes out to you. And in the times where you are struggling or cannot seem to see the light in the midst of all the darkness.

Just know, I have hope in you.

-- Unseen