This is Real, This is Me || Perspective
Ever since I can remember I always liked to tell myself (and others) that I am a very strong, independent woman. Even at a young age I always felt like I could go out and do things on my own. I never needed to lean on others or be reliant of someone else for any of my needs - both school/work related or personal. I have always felt like I could do it alone. And for the longest time I always correlated independence with strength. I felt that if I could do everything by myself and prove that I did not need anybody that I was strong. Because at the time, I believed that needing others was a way to show people that you were weak.
Looking back, I can see how naïve a perspective that is. How can someone so strong stand alone? I mean come on, there’s literally a saying “strength in numbers.” I guess it just goes to show how in reality one of my biggest issues is the problem I face with trust. I feel like my yearning to be independent has made me unknowingly build such high walls within myself. Long story short, your girl has a lot of trust issues.
I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting these past couple months. I think coming back home to the house I have grown up in and being surrounded by people that have known me for most or all of my life has really made me realize how much in my life and characteristics of myself have changed over this past year. Moving away to Savannah was not only one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but also one of the smartest decisions as well. Coming home and being able to reflect this past year has really made me realize how much I have changed and grown as a person. Whether it may be with the way I choose to react to things, view things, or handle things; I have come to realize that I am not the same person I was one year ago. And being back has taught me how much moving on was and is necessary. And how sometimes coming back to what used to be can really stun someone’s growth.
Do not get me wrong. I love being home. It was a great few months spent being able to catch up with friends, families, loved ones. It really reminded me of how grateful I am to have been brought up and surrounded with such amazing friends and such a lovely town. But being home these past few months has also made me realize how crucial it was for me to leave, get out and really push myself to grow further than anything I could have ever done from being home.
If I am being honest with you, this whole summer has made me feel like I have taken 10000 steps back. When I first came home I was on such a high from being on my own and trying new things that coming back to all these people who did not know the new me made me feel, for lack of a better word, uncomfortable. It made me realize that there are some things that you have to leave and some things that you must experience in order to become a better person. This summer and coming home really made me go back to how I used to be. Whether it be really tough news I got or misguided and misunderstood feelings, I feel like all of this contributed to where I am currently at now.
One reoccurring theme that always comes up in my blogs is that life is hard. And sometimes, it sucks. This summer was one of them. Early on this summer I received some really heavy news that took a deep toll on my heart. There are some things that you just cannot prepare for and this was one of them. It really brought me back 10000 steps and I felt like the girl I once was, even before she knew she was going to Savannah. In other words, I have never felt this way in my whole life. And for the first time in a long time, I was and maybe still am not really sure where my life is heading.
Like I said before, I have always been strong and independent. I do not like relying on others, having people worry, or inconveniencing anyone. From a young age I made plans. I set out goals, visions, dreams, and wishes. Things I know I want; things I know I need. I sought them out and I worked for them. All. By. Myself. And for the past 19 years, it worked. I prayed and planned for the future. Everything I was doing and going to do, all of it let up to this one picture I painted in my head. And in doing all of this, I realized my one true problem…
I was living in the then, instead of living in the now.
I was so focused on trying to figure out where I was going that I was not enjoying the moments and the memories I was making as they were happening. Having trust issues and being all independent made me constantly worry about what was my future. And experiencing such a rough patch this summer I learned that things, more than not, do not work out as planned. You can picture and hope for whatever you want, but life has a funny way of showing you that you really do not know what is in store for you and the life that you live. And how it even takes one whole summer to finally figure all of this out. (smh to me.)
I came to the realization last night that I have been stuck in the future. I am constantly worrying about these things that did not happen, have not happened, or may possibly happen. Facing it alone I tried to prepare for every worst case-scenario and fear, I did not realize I was actually living mine. My biggest fear is that I become so independent that I cannot just live and love and trust. And that’s where I am at now. It is so hard for me to admit this; it brings me to tears.
And all I can say, is that I am working on it. I am trying. I am trying to move on, grow, trust, lean on others. I am really trying. I do not know where I am going and I am really trying to be okay with that. For now, I am hoping to re-establish my roots and really take life one day at a time. Breath by breath, facing every problem as they stumble in. I am hurt and broken, but the greatest thing about it is that all there is left to do is fix it.
So here I am, being real and being me. This is Jeannine Unseen.
Edition 2 coming soon.